No one ever has to read my blogs, it just makes me feel better writing about it. But if someone does want to read here it is.

Why do people act as if this isn’t an illness, having something like this shows me how cruel people can actually be, I’m fighting for my life and to live a normal lifestyle everyday and all I keep hearing is Lupus isn’t that bad but from people who doesn’t have it.

As I was getting my son dressed this morning,I looked at him and saw how happy he was. I look at the smile on his face daily I look at how much energy he has and I remember when I was full of energy like him. When I was full of smiles like him and I really admire him he’s so happy such a happy kid,always laughing jumping and smiling of course people have always told me how adorable he is but people have always loved how much of a happy baby my son is even strangers have said that he brighten up their days and he does. Somehow when I look at him he makes me want to fight he brightens up my day. I just wish I could be like him again full of energy like I used to be.

Today I have an interview for a new job I had one yesterday that I missed because I was feeling so sick I could barely stay out of bed. I lost my job due to attendance I was working as a Behavioral Specialist for children with autism but could not continue when I began to feel sick,a job doesn’t understand I’m sick for too long. I applied for Social security but was denied because I was told I could still work but I was also told to get better I need lots of rest and exercise,how can I rest when I need money how can I rest when I have to care for my child how can I go to the gym when I can barely afford a gym membership . I now today have a new interview and this is how I’m feeling…………

• Malaise
• Depressed
• Fatigue
• Low energy, very tired

• Sick,sick,sick,sick

  But yet I have to get up I have to put on a smile I have to go to this interview. I have bills to pay I have a child to feed. But I feel like I’m fighting just to get up out of bed everyday my head hurts,my joints are swollen, I’m not hungry,my lymph node is enlarged in my neck I just dont feel good but yet I have to get up and I will. My best friend(Lupus) sometimes let’s me wake up feeling ok but it doesn’t last long,I like to call my new best friend that has been around for about two years now I like to call her or him or it bi polar. Sometimes it allows me to feel great and sometimes It attacks me so viciously that I feel awful, atleast today it’s allowing me to get out of bed so off I go to take my medicine get in the shower and put a smile on my face for my son’s and life’s sake all while feeling like I’m dying inside……………

Welcome to my new world

Happy beginnings turned into blue skies,here’s my new life in a list.

• Depression
• Fatigue
• Malaise
• Embarrassment
• Fighting daily
• Alone
• Mood Swings
• Anger
• Hopeful
• Stressed
• Sad
• Feeling of giving up

Please bare with me I’m new to this and I want to tell you beginning from end but I also want to post about how I’m feeling now and my everyday life.

My story begins when I find out I’m pregnant,my pregnancy story isn’t one that’s great to began with but it become great when I decided I wanted to keep my bundle of joy with or without the father involved. I was extremely tired but excited of becoming a new mother, I was a fill time student at the time but I immediately started to feel so tired I couldn’t bare getting up for class anymore or even staying awake in class anymore. I’m sure it’s just pregnancy symptoms like the Drs told me but I wondered to myself why other women seems to have so much energy and still be able to do normal things during pregnancy and I couldn’t. The Drs told me everyone handles pregnancy differently so I said ok well I guess my body is just adapting I’ll be fine sooner than later.

Threatened Miscarriage

At the time I was still trying to go to school eventhough I was so tired but I didn’t want to lose all my work I wanted to get my credit for what I had been doing in school so I tried. I began to feel sharp pains in my stomach so I went to the er I was told there was a possibility that I would lose my baby and I wondered why. My body should be strong enough I dont understand, I was asked about my daily activities and I said I was a full time student. I was advised to stay off of my feet for a while that too much activity could cause me to lose my child. My child came first I tried to go to school still but I eventually dropped out when I continued to feel sharp pains with activity. My life turned into the bed but I still had my baby and the sharp pains were going away. The only problem was I was so tired I couldn’t bare getting up and staying out of bed ,I couldn’t believe this is how pregnancy was I thought it would be so much different. I was living at home with my family and I would get up to go shower and see so much hair in the shower thinking it was my siblings I would complain about why there was so much hair in the shower only coming to find out later down the line it was my hair I was losing. From eyesight my hair was healthy and growing I had no idea I was losing hair at this time. Anywho I went along with my pregnancy frequently being in and out if the hospital because I was feeling so I’ll I just knew something wasn’t right. But they focused on the baby telling me everything was fine and my body is just adapting to the pregnancy still,I thought I had a miscarriage one night after having to be rushed to the hospital I felt unbearable pain and was kept overnight,again my baby was fine and I was told something had bursted inside of me but it was normal during pregnancy. I was so tired and I’ll feeling most days of my pregnancy that I barley wanted to get up out of bed I skipped my pregnancy photos I skipped my baby shower I skipped daily activities. I would sometimes get up and walk my dog because I knew some activities like walking and swimming was good for the baby so if I had any energy at all I would dedicate my time to that. Fast forwarding at about 39 weeks I started to notice my eyesight was different, I had never had any type of problem with my eyes and I could no longer see out the side of my eyes and everything was blurry I was so scared I went to the ER and they told me it was because of my pregnancy and women experience crazy things during pregnancy. So I listened and went home with my new unfocused eyesight. I was happy about my baby but so many things were happening to me I was so scared but the joy of my baby growing and I would soon be able to see him outweighed the bad things that were happening to me.

Water Breaks

Finally my water broke but my son was not ready to come I was overdue so they induced me. At first everything was fine then everything that began to hit my body was unbearable,I wanted so bad to do natural labor without epidural and I was doing so well but out of the blue I just couldn’t tolerate the pain,they came in and gave me the epidural shot poking me numerous times because they didn’t get it in the right place the first time. At that time I had no one at the hospital with me but shortly after the last poke I was feeling less pain I just couldn’t understand how I was doing so well before and all of a sudden my pain was intolerable and I needed the epidural shot,it had gotten so bad that I almost collapsed trying to go to the restroom. Anyways moving along …….

Delivery with Lupus…

By this time I was fully dilated and ready to have my son,no one knew my pregnancy was high risk ,no one knew I was sick around this time I was still not diagnosed. My body was in pain and here I was getting ready to deliver my son,I was ok because the epidural was blocking out any pain I had but I was shortly told that the DR was gonna turn it off and I wouldn’t be able to use epidural because the cord was around my baby’s neck due to him turning a certain way so I needed to feel each contraction in order to know when to push to get him out or I would have to get an emergency C section, I didn’t want that I had already been in so much pain during my pregnancy I heard about how painful the healing process was for a c section I just didn’t want that so I tried very hard to push each painful contraction. Each push was so hard it hurt so bad I was in so much pain that I finally screamed out I can’t do it , when I looked up so many people that I didn’t know were standing by my door and so many people were in my room because I’m assuming they heard me screaming the pain was intolerable,unbearable I finally told the DR I give up just do the C section I couldn’t do it I felt like I was going to die my body was in pain like over never felt before the last push I pushed when I gave up my son came out. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even know what had just happened and then they put my baby in my arms and although my body felt so weak and like it was on fire my son in my arms blinded all the pain I immediately flet love and it was all worth it my son was supposed to be an 8 pound baby but he came out 6 pounds 9 ounces and he felt like a 12 pound baby when I was delivering him had he been bigger than 6 pounds I don’t know if I could have done it. I thought to myself it’s all over my baby is here the pain is all gonna go away and I can enjoy being a new mommy little did I know the worse was yet to come…………